
Everything that was wrong with The Hitman’s Bodyguard is also wrong with Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard. It’s lazily written, relying heavily on florid profanity (calling people “shitwaffles” and other things of that nature) as the catch-all for humour its action scenes are of highly variable quality, its overqualified cast is mostly wasted in roles that only require them to yell the aforementioned edgelord one-liners at top volume and its generic European settings are hardly exploited to their fullest potential. I’ll start with the bad news, then: its sequel, Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, suffers from pretty much all of the same problems. With few original ideas and a lot of scattershot, hacky humour, The Hitman’s Bodyguard was a fairly disposable bit of post- Deadpool ironic posturing that I have very little recollection of.


It was, by virtue of being an original (as in not based on a previous IP) and somewhat conservatively budgeted R-rated movie, a sight for sore eyes - but it also sucked something fierce. Of note, A) there’s still nothing on May 21 (that pre-Memorial Day weekend frame is one of the very best slots on a conventional calendar) and B) the most crowded slot of the summer is now Labor Day weekend.The original Hitman’s Bodyguard was the kind of junky, disposable action movie that has slowly disappeared from the cinematic landscape in the last few years. So, for those keeping track, here’s the current summer movie release schedule. With less emphasis on opening weekends studios can spread out the “opening” so that audiences who want to see the movie quickly can feel safer doing so.

We may see more of that over the summer, including this week’s pre-summer launch of Godzilla Vs. In this Covid summer, I’d argue the Wednesday debut is less about building word-of-mouth and more about A) getting two days before F9 on June 25 and B) spreading out the potential audience for moviegoers who want to go but don’t want to risk a crowded theater to do so.

In saner times, it would have joined the likes of Wanted (against Wall-E), World War Z (against Monsters University) and Central Intelligence (against Finding Dory).
